


notes for "human voices wake us and we drown", a WIP

by tptafterdark



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, TJLC is real, WIP, high functioning sociopath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 06:54:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4615602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tptafterdark/pseuds/tptafterdark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High functioning sociopaths in love don't tend to be very well adjusted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	notes for "human voices wake us and we drown", a WIP

The worst thing Sherlock could ever do to himself is hurt John.

The worst thing Sherlock could ever do is hurt John on purpose. He can’t let what he wants (wants--needs--breathes) ever happen, not even a little, because he can’t ever be sure he won’t do that. He is not sadistic (don't ask him about masochism, he has nothing to say about that). He gets no pleasure from hurting people emotionally (the work--that is the only pleasure--yes--the only marriage). He is only aware that he makes the choice to do so all the time, every day, whenever it serves his purposes, and that he does not understand why this is wrong. He knows it is wrong. (knows now--now--how could he know now, when he is this--) He simply has no inner sense of morality. That bit is missing. Ethics make sense. Morality is an empty textbox. He has to learn from the outside how not to hurt people for the slightest convenience. Not because he enjoys it. Because he does the math and sees the most efficient route to anything he wants and takes it. 

The worst thing John could ever do to Sherlock is to be afraid of him. The worst thing that could ever happen to Sherlock Holmes is for John Watson to look at him the way everyone he hurts does. Sherlock knows if that happens, it's the end of the line (the rope--the bottom of the cliff--the dark side of a train). He will die as many times as necessary for John Watson. 

The worst thing John could ever decide to do to Sherlock is trust him. If John ever trusts him (utterly--completely--his eyes--watch his eyes--know by his eyes), then Sherlock will be helpless, unable to avoid hurting John emotionally. Total trust is inefficient to purpose. Sherlock has calculated that to achieve what’s best for John, he can’t let John trust him, and so he would have to immediately betray that trust.

Therefore, the worst thing John could ever do to Sherlock is give him what he wants more than anything in the world.


End file.
